Why Chaos Gods Should(n't) Drink
by Whispers in the Void
Summary: So, Loki was actually drunk when he hosted the Invasion. Not to mention the reasons behind said Invasion are rather simplistic, if completely unexpected. In the End, one can only conclude that Loki should never, ever drink! Co-starring the Avengers, Fury, Thanos, and Death with cameos from Frigga, Sif and the Warriors Three. (T for language. One-shot. Crack.)


**A/N: I don't know if there are any other one-shots like this out there, but after watching 'Loki's Hangover' music video by dazza1008c on YouTube, I just had to do it!** **I do not apologize for the blatant references, though I wonder - can you spot them all?** **Also, I normally don't swear so much, but for some reason it came poring out of me. *shrugs***  
**Takes place just at the end of Avengers, starting at that scene where they all go get Loki. Non-specific POV.**  
**Disclaimer: Avengers belongs to Marvel, and I was inspired by afore-mentioned music video. Basically, I own nothing!**  
**Warning: T for drinking, coarse language, genre-mixing, and crackishness!**

/-\\-/\\-/-\

"I think I'll have that drink now," Loki groaned, his pale blue eyes blinking blearily at the group of super-heroes standing over him. And his brother, the Disney Prince, of course.  
The Midgardian Tony Stark, Man of Iron, looked ready to pick him up on that when Thor's booming voice added to the furious pounding of the Dwarves in the Trickster's skull.  
"I think not! You are quite intoxicated as it is, Loki."  
Loki snorted, batting his eyes innocently up at the golden thunderer. "Whatever makes you say that, dearest brother?"  
Thor rolled his eyes, and Loki blinked. Had the Midgardians infected him that far already? He'd underestimated the power of this planet.  
"Your eyes are still blue."  
Loki turned his focus on the Lady Widow, squinting at his reflection on the scepter she still held. "Oops."  
"Wait, what?" Sputtered Stark, scratching at his beard with one gauntlet-covered hand. "Are you saying Reindeer Games is smashed?"  
"Hulk smash," The green man grunted happily.  
"Smashed, shit-faced, whatever in Hel you mortals call it these days." Loki moaned, covering his eyes; his system was finally getting around to purging the substances from his blood. Advantage to being a Jotun? Instantly sober on command. Disadvantage? Instantly sober when more than an hour had passed without consuming several gallons of alchohol.  
Thor smirked down at him, and Loki glared with eyes that were now a startling shade of green. "Will you stop smiling?! The light reflecting off those damnable teeth is enough to blind a gods-forsaken dragon!"  
The agent Barton sent a disbelieving glance towards his Lady, but had to cover his eyes with a yelp when he was also blinded by Thor's minty-fresh smile.  
Thor's voice was decidedly smug when he replied, "My Lady Jane recommended the use of something called mint of pepper."  
"Get it right, you oaf! It's peppermint, PEPPER. MINT. Not mint of bloody pepper."  
"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning," Barton snickered, having finally lowered his notched bow. Loki tilted his head to one side. "Well, you would know, wouldn't you?"  
"What?" Steve Rogers, Captain of America, was blushing to the roots of his hair. Loki took pity on the poor mortal. "Oh, nothing sordid happened. He merely required my help in getting to his bunk after the torture I subjected him to, which then left me rather exhausted due to having not slept in the past year." Smirking at Agent Romanoff, he added, "Your hawk is quite the snuggler."  
The Lady narrowed her eyes at him, hefting the scepter whilst Agent Barton refused to meet anyone's gaze, distracted as he was by pulling a spare bit of clothing from Norns-know-where and handing it to the newly restored Bruce Banner.  
"What did you do to him?"  
Loki shuddered, pushing himself to his feet and glancing at his watch with a wince.  
"More important, when did you put on a watch?" Stark wondered.  
Loki held up his hands in a placating manner. "It was torture for me as much as it was for him! And it was Selvig's fault, anyways!"  
Steve straightened to his full height. "Answer the question, Loki, or would you like a shield to the face?"  
"That seemed kinda...violent..." Banner grumbled, fiddling with his glasses. Loki stared. "Where did you even store those?"  
"You don't wanna know. Trust me."  
"Loki-" Lady Widow warned, taking a threatening step forward. Loki yelped and ducked behind his brother, hiding under his red cape. "Nothing! I merely-"  
"NO!" Barton, having finally clued back into the conversation, waved his hands in front of his Lady. "It was nothing I couldn't handle, nothing-"  
"Clint." Romanoff's voice had the temperature of the room dropping several degrees. Everyone but Loki shivered.  
"I have video, if you'd prefer?" Loki spoke up from where he was still wrapped in Thor's cape.  
Barton looked betrayed. "How could you?" Clutching his bow to his chest, the dejected agent collapsed on a nearby couch and curled into a ball, snuggling his quiver of arrows.  
Stark, meanwhile, had stepped out of his still glitching suit and now frowned at the ceiling. "You've been kinda quiet here, J, should I be worried?"  
"No Sir. I was merely uploading a video to YouTube at the request of His Royal Majesty, Lord of Earth, God of Mischief, Agent of Chaos, Speaker of all Languages-"  
"Yeah, yeah, enough. You're gonna make me sick."  
"Um, could you show us the video?" Came Banner's voice as Loki tapped his foot impatiently, hand on his hip as he checked his watch for the 7,838,120,234,001 time.  
"Certainly, Snuggle Bunny."  
There was a brief WTF look from Banner before he shrugged at his team-mates. A screen lowered from the ceiling and lit up, revealing Loki and Barton in a familiar pose. A moment later, strange sounds emitted from hidden speakers as the two gyrated on screen.  
"OPPA GANGNAM STYLE!"  
Rogers gagged and ran for the nearest trash can, heaving a mass of mutli-colored string into the out-of-place metallic can.  
Stark snickered. "Hit the Button again, Reindeer Games!"  
Loki stuck his tongue out from where he was sitting on the couch, braiding Thor's hair as the thunderer eyed a sobbing Barton.  
Lady Widow was left standing next to Banner, wondering if they were the only sane ones when the elevator popped open with a ding! and a familiar dark-skinned pirate swaggered out, waving his cutlass as he glared at Loki. The Trickster sprang to his feet with a guilty look. "My apologized, Director Fury, I failed my mission."  
Loki hung his head and scuffled his feet as Fury approached. "Shut your mouth Stark before you start catching flies." The man growled as he passed the Man of Iron.  
The Director came to a stop in front of the abashed god. Glaring from his one good eye, Fury growled, "You had one objective. ONE. Entertainment value! This set-up was crap, and you've cost Lord Thanos billions of credits with your little stunt with the portal."  
Loki scowled. "To be fair, the Chitauri are crap workers who wouldn't know a lethal weapon if it was buried in their artificial hearts. So I didn't bring Ragnarok! Big fucking deal."  
Fury stamped one boot-clad foot. "You were hired to bring the Apocalypse, ass-butt!"  
Loki pouted. "The Apocalypse was already taken! Mikey and Luci refused to sell their slot. Something about a couple of guns they wanted to piss off."  
Fury raised a disbelieving eyebrow. "Too bad, boo-hoo, go cry me a river. You lost the game, you agreed to the price, and now you've failed to deliver. The Other will be picking your ass up within the hour."  
Loki grimaced. "I sure as Hel hope not."  
Fury turned and swaggered back out of the room, leaving a group of confused Midgardians in his wake. Thor sighed, shaking out his golden locks.  
"Oh brother, what have I told you about gambling? It was poker, wasn't it."  
Loki gave a sheepish grin. "Hey, I invented the game, I should get to play it."  
Thor gave his brother an exasperated look. "Your terrible at any sort of game when you're drunk. It was truly idiotic of you to bet something after a round of binge-drinking."  
"How do you know I was binge-drinking?! Maybe I only *just* got drunk this month!"  
"The Watcher watched you drink your way through every tavern in the Nine Realms and beyond. He only lost sight of you when you entered Lord Thanos' Gaming Realms."  
"Well, wouldn't you get hammered if you'd just found out you were not only adopted, but hadn't actually been adopted, rather picked up from where you were left to die as a babe!"  
"Hammered? Loki, have you been conspiring with Mjolnir again?"  
"Of course not! And it was only the one time, anyways."  
Rogers could take no more. "WILL YOU MOTHERFUCKING ASS-HOLES TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!"  
Crickets chirped as Stark stared at the Captain in awe.  
Loki heaved a dramatic sigh, the force of which sent the shattered glass flying back out the window.  
"What is going on? I'll tell you what is going on. What's going in is that I was abandoned as a baby, kid-napped by an ass-hole of a dad, raised as second best despite my being born a being of Chaos, lied to the entire time about my origins whilst being told stories of the savage Jotun. Then I was commanded to engineer a distraction during Thor's coronation, a distraction that spiraled out of control and yet I was still blamed for, found out my parentage by complete accident and was then left to deal with stopping a war and ruling a Realm all on my own on top of all that emotional shit. Then Thor's obsessed friends commited treason, which they were never punished for, leaving me holding the bag and in a bad temper. I managed to avert a war using assassination of the troublesome parties, which again I was hated on for, and finally I had enough and so jumped into the vastness of space to fall to whatever Realm happened to catch me. I then drank my way through said Realm, and then the next, and then the next. I ended up supremely trashed, even if I won every drinking game ever invented along the way. My journey ended in the Void, which is where Thanos, the 'Mad' Titan, owns several gaming planets. I lost a 36 day long poker game against the man himself, and since I didn't have enough to pay up, I gave him everything I had with me and then was charged to host a chaos game - a random play-through on one of the planets in the Realms. I ended up picking Earth of Midgard, and then some of Thanos' top-paying clients held a drawing and ended up deciding they wanted to see an Apocalypse. The Other, Thanos' second-in-command, set everything up whilst Game Director Fury took care of replacing certain key players with some of Thanos' workers so that I would have access. The Chitauri are Thanos' worker drones; they run his planets. They're little better than a hive of bees working for their queen. And and the Leviathan are essentially space-cows, veggie eaters that they are. Most of Thanos' clients bet on my success, so that I lost means that a lot of people - and Thanos - lost their money, leaving me in deep shit."  
There was a distinct silence while Thor face-palmed.  
Stark snickered suddenly. "You didn't pay everything to the pot; you're still wearing that piece of crap outfit."  
"Actually, no, no I am not. Illusions have many uses."  
Banner gaped. "You're saying you did this whole thing in your birthday suit?!"  
Loki smirked and spread his hands. "Behold."  
The illusion vanished with a shiver of green and gold, and the team stared in awe.  
"Daaaammnn." Jarvis whistled, not-so-discreetly snapping a variety of photos.  
To the sorrow of the news crew on the approaching helicopter, Loki restored the illusion.  
"Aww..."  
Rogers nodded. "Thank you for being honest with us, Loki. Here! Have a sticker." The Captain stuck a gold star to Loki's forehead.  
"Let's go eat Shwarma!" Barton shouted, finally getting out of his funk.  
"Hell yeah!" Romanoff crowed, fist-pumping.  
"A feast sounds truly glorious, brother!"

/-\

Loki sprawled across his seat, happily chowing down on his 52nd helping. Looking up in time to see a group of disbelieving super-heroes (and his Disney Prince brother) gape at him, Loki shrugged. "What? Takes a lot of energy to run this bad-ass mage."  
The Other appeared behind the god of mischief, snatched him, and vanished before the group could blink. Thor sighed. "Well, I suppose I had better order another serving of my last feast. GOOD-BYE, CRUEL WORLD!"

/-\

Loki crossed his arms and huffed up at the purple titan. "I did my job! I don't see what you're complaining about."  
Thanos swelled up, and his daughters - Gamora and Nebulae - stared daggers at Loki, who snatched them out of mid air and tossed them back, killing them dead. Thanos sighed and gestured for the Other to remove the bodies.  
"We had a deal. You did not hold up your end of said deal. OFF WITH HIS HEAD!"  
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," spoke up a thin, sallow man who was dressed in a sharp black suit and overcoat, a fancy cane in hand and a white ring on his finger. He was sipping on a large sized soda.  
"Death, my love!" Gushed Thanos, swooning as the being looked at him with Void-black eyes. Death sighed. "You are a fool of Dean-sized levels. I. Am. Not. Hela."  
Loki snickered, and in a fit of rage, Thanos knocked the beings head off in one powerful swipe.  
Death sighed, frowning down at the decapitated body. "Now you've done it."There was a sound of shattering glass, and the 'Mad' Titan watched in horror as the glistening branches of Yggdrasil darkened and crumbled, drowning the Void in a wave of starfire even as true darkness swallowed the light. Death waved good-bye to the titan as the world ended, leaving the purple giant behind as he strolled off into the endless night.

The End.

/-\

"My king - Loki?!"  
Loki woke with a startled gasp, sending his horned helmet flying - it knocked out one of the guards stationed on the dias. He glanced around frantically, taken in the solid gold walls and the group of four warriors who were standing uncertainly before him, even as the other guard gestured them into a bow.  
They went down onto one knee slowly, Sif practically snarling at the effort.  
"My king," she gritted out as Loki slumped in relief, running one hand through his much shorter black hair. "We have come to ask you to end Thor's banishment."  
Loki's bright green eyes widened, and he jumped to his feet, slamming Gungir against the marble floor and ignoring the laser-eyes Sif (who was sure she knew what the Trickster was about to say) was sending him.  
"FUCK YEAH! Guards, inform Tyr that Thor is to be brought back to Asgard immediately! And inform Queen Frigga that we are throwing a PART-AY!"  
"Wh-what?!" Fandral gasped, as Volstagg cheered. Even Hogunn had a shocked look on his face as the guard shot out of the room to deliver said message.  
Loki skipped down the steps, humming to himself. He had no desire to bring Ragnarok so soon, and was glad that he had drunk so much over the past year; the fumes had allowed a rip in the Space-Time Continuum, giving the being of Chaos a shot at averting said End.  
Frigga burst into the room, a relieved look in her face. "Oh, thank the Norns. You decided not to kill everyone!"  
"Yep!" Loki giggled. "No Ragnarok for the measly peasants - yet."  
Sif's mind broke under the pressure of trying to reconcile the dark second prince with the bringer of Ragnarok, who was rumored to be the most powerful being in Yggdrasil. Eir, head healer, swept into the room and disposed of the sputtering maiden.

The End.

/-\

"Actually," Death mused, "That wasn't the end at all. Loki went on to destroy the BiFrost, wielding Mjolnir, to seal the peace treaty with the Jotuns. Then, when Red Skull showed up through a portal to invade Earth, Loki first sent Thor to stall the Invasion before traveling the Paths himself to deliver a wealth of rare items - such as duct tape, sparkly pens, sticky notes, and coffee - to the Red Skull so that he could pay off his lost bet with Thanos. He ended up becoming a probationary member of the Avengers for the few centuries that the program was running, before finally bringing Ragnarok when some idiot decided to dye Loki's hair blonde. So, that's the actual-"

...The En - oh, screw it.

/-\\-/-\\-/-\


End file.
